Friday, December 19, 2014

I Ain’t Never Going To Die

Okay, we all want to live longer. Better living is fantastic but longer living is where it is at. Even people who think they don’t change their tunes when the Grim Reaper comes-a-knockin’ at their door. I try to do the right things. I eat legumes and dark leafy greens, I walk or exercise (almost) every day, I am married and have a pet, I wash my hands and keep my environment clean. These should allow me to live my allotted years in a general state of good health. 

I don’t have the oomph though, to do more. I had resigned myself to living out my 80.18 years proscribed by the government’s data ( and then bidding this mortal coil farewell and leaving my well regulated and dog hair covered, barely toned yet well-scrubbed and moisturized mortal shell behind... 

But Wait! While I was cruising the internet  this morning I read an article that got me re-enthused about longevity  because I discovered that I can live longer, so much longer that even Methuselah would envy me, just by waking up every morning and being myself!

Ibuprofen is the miracle it seems, and can add up to 15 % to my life span! (Basically 8.2 years) that’s right! I am now looking at 90 almost. Why do I take ibuprofen? Because sadly one’s body starts to break down a bit with use, or no use as the case may be, we are screwed every which way! I have arthritis so I end up taking a giant horse pill at least every three days and sometimes two or three times in one day depending on the weather. I can’t imagine what the numbers will actually be since the longer I live the more my joints will degenerate and the more I will hurt thus forcing me to take more medicine… this might be the snake eating its tail infinite magic of modern medicine. I missed my calling. I should have been a doctor!

The second miracle drug is coffee. Coffee can add up to 15% more to a woman’s life span ( Hello 98, you are looking fine! I drink a lot of coffee. I drink it mostly because I hate to be cold, it hurts my bones. I take my ibuprofen with my coffee so I figure that is like 15% squared! That being the case I can add 225 YEARS to my age… screw 98, 300 is staring at me in my rear-view mirror. I love mathematics and what you can do with it.

I am not a heavy drinker, and although alcohol is the 3rd miracle drug, with numerous studies saying that drinking the hard stuff will extend your life (  or not one of them gives me a percentage, so I am going to have to make an educated guess.  I don’t see myself aging drinking cold drinks (arthritis) but I do love a wee bit of Irish whiskey or cognac (Oui oui!) in a cup of good hot coffee. I will happily use that concoction to swallow my Ibuprofen which I will need to take a ton of for my 300 plus year old joints. I am going to say, what the heck, an additional 15% can be gained through this practice. Okay mathematics fans… we now have 15% cubed or 3,375 years, plus my original 80.18. 3,455.18 years. Move over Methuselah you old bastard! I have you beat by a pretty good margin, plus I am pain free, hyped up and  more than a bit buzzed to boot.