Monday, June 18, 2012

A Random Conversation Between Married People


“Pass the remote hon.”

“A four hour erection? Hell, a two hour erection and I would be rushing you to the emergency room, I would be on my phone bragging  the whole way there but it would be scary just the same”

“A two hour erection? Is that what happens when you take just half a pill?”

“No, I think with half a pill you would only get half an erection, not an erection for half the maximum allowable time”

“Would that be top of bottom, or left or right half?”

“Hhhmmmm, I imagine top or bottom, with (please God) the only option being bottom working, top not. Sort of like demi-nunchukas. I  will stick with a whole one, that sounds u-g-l-y.”

“We don’t have ANY, half OR whole. How are you going to stick with any at all when there isn’t any to stick with?”

“Whatever! Picky, picky, picky. Can you imagine Viagra as fertilizer? Dissolve a couple of pills into the watering can and voila, magnificent shrubbery. Even viney things would stand tall and proud. Nettles would become actual thorns!”

“Unless you only gave them half a pill.  Whole new meaning to afternoon wilt.“

“Really, my only question is why do the Cialis people have two bathtubs on their deck? One would be bizarre but two just seems so redundant. If the stuff worked wouldn’t they want to be in the same bath tub?  Are they related to the mattress people who keep their bed on the veranda overlooking the sea? Is it the same couple and they haul out either  tubs or mattresses depending on the mood? Why tubs at all? Hard cold porcelain is hardly the most comfortable place to hang out and get freaky, and you can’t see any plumbing so you know they are dry.”

“That was way more than one question”

“And you call me picky!”

“What were we talking about?”

“I believe it all started with lunch next Tuesday.”

“Dork”

Love is a  many splendored thing. 

Friday, June 15, 2012

Celebrating Achievements

The house is for the most part clean, the food is for the most part ready, the schedule is non-existent. Have I forgotten anything? Extra toilet paper in the powder room? Check! Soap? Hand towels? Check check!! Sodas, both diet and regular? Check! Chips for the salsa? Check! A pleasant yet inexpensive red and a sweet yet dry white? Check and Check!! Coffee, creamer, sugar and cups? All checked, all the time!

Unbridled enthusiasm and energy... well... lets not ask for too much, enthusiasm and energy? Check. Unbridled disappeared about the same time I had to start leaning forward a little to see my toes over my bosom and I got my first appliance for an anniversary gift.

I pace about, tired of preparing yet not satisfied with the results of my labors so far. I have no clear vision of what a celebration for something like this should be. I succeeded in accomplishing a life long dream. What??? I know! Crazy, right? But it is true and that is surely worthy of a world class party.

Ideally it would be in a fun place with fun people, fun food, lots of fun liquor and someone else's fun credit card being swiped. I would also be 20 years younger and 50 pounds lighter with my hair the lustrous shade of red which disappeared about 1979 with my waist.  Since that is out of the question entirely I am throwing my own party with my own credit card taking the beating. I always have fun food, I hang out with a lot of very fun people, I had to clean my house anyway and I love a good party. Everything is really great. Why then do I feel this dissatisfaction?

I think because once that goal is achieved, once a person can sit back and say I wanted something as long as I can remember and now I have it, then we are left with a giant void in our dream scape that needs to be filled as quickly as possible. And I just don't know what to fill it with. I never thought this would happen so I never had a back up plan.

Crap.