Wednesday, November 2, 2011

In The Beginning There Was Nothing

This is the short begining of what may be a longish piece. Be warned! Let me know your thoughts on this.

In the beginning there was nothing. No dark, no light, no heat or cold or wet or dry or loud or quiet of soft or jagged. In the beginning there was a single lucid thought:
“This is not a good situation.”
I can’t say I felt disembodied. I can’t say I felt frightened. I felt nothing, nothing at all and that was what let me know that this was not a good situation. Another thought appeared, floating in the nothingness that was my universe:
“I must keep my wits about me”
This was going to prove to be easier thought than done.
There was no time in the vast nothingness so when I realized I heard something I had no idea if it had been a second after my floating thoughts or an hour. I heard my name, loud and insistent, repeated over and over about one inch from what I realized must be my ear. The sound seemed to tunnel through the nothingness, leaving rends and tears and slamming into my ear, funneling down to my brain and reverberating, sending waves crashing up against my consciousness and irritating at first, then abrading, then scarring the tenuous connection to the world I found myself in.
“Ma’am? Ma’am can you hear me?”
Did I answer?
“Ma’am? Can you tell me what is hurt?”
Huh! I must have. I took a space of time. I can’t breathe, that can’t be right. My arm won’t move. I am frozen in a block of nothingness and something keeps screeching in my ear. I summon every single ounce of strength and courage and life left in me (here I wish I had said or done something heroic or life affirming, instead…) and croak out “Make him shut up”
Another space of time passes I hear someone say “She is talking, she made sense for the most part, we are getting her out.” The screeching stopped. I sank deep into the nothingness.
I open my eye, I am in a room with what seems like too many people, or one person in a white coat with many ,many arms. I sink into the nothingness with relief.
Crap, I have kids! How could I have forgotten I have kids? Someone needs to tell the kids… something, whatever! I still haven’t decided what happened and I really can’t face it at this point in time anyway.
My body is weightless yet weighs a ton at the same time. I can barely  speak but my grunts and squawks get someone’s attention. I need to call my kids I tell them. There is a flurry of activity and a man with no features leans over me and asks what I said. I repeat myself, fading into a whisper, which forces me back into the void for a period of time. Oh crap, I have kids! I swim up and inspire myself by imagining I am kicking like a frogman up from the depths.
When I break the surface of the nothingness an incredibly hot, burning pain sears through my head. I try to grab it but can’t move at all. I think the first clear words spoken by me were “MOTHER FUCKER” Another flurry of activity, the featureless man (whom I could now tell was sporting wire rims) came running back into the room. The light reflected off the rims and sent darts tipped with  red hot coals through my eyeballs and into my brain. I tried to turn from him but couldn’t. I closed my eye (where was the other one?) and muttered I have call my kids.
"Who do we call?"
Now that was a good question. I pondered it for a while, trying to pilot my muddied  thoughts around the ever increasing maze of pain in my head. Ah hah! Call my mom and dad. I could feel the whole room sigh with relief that I was making sense and helping them out.
“What is their number?”
Stymied. I had no clue. They had had the same number for 18 years but it appeared to have fallen out when whatever happened to me happened. I try  thinking of ANY number and realize they are all gone, my folks, my own, my house number, do I have a house number, do I have a mom and dad, what is a mom and dad, oh crap, I have kids!
“Can you tell us their names?”
Thank God, an easy one… Mom and Dad I say with a bit of triumph
“No dear, we need the name in the phone book”
I speak slower, obviously I am not the only one with head issues tonight. Mooom  aannnddd dddaaaddd. Idiots.
My job is done. I feel I have given them the best information possible and the nothingness is sucking at my shoulders, trying to bring my head back under. I haven’t the will to fight it.
A whispered voice, a cool and soothing carress, grabs my attention. I try and I try to swim, try to picture the frogman and finally break the surface of silence gasping for air and feeling the pain surge back through my head and my neck and shoulders as well. I hear the voice I open one eye (I can tell now I have two but only one is working) I see my mom. She is talking oh so quietly to my sister in the semi darkened room. She sounds sad. I mutter something that didn’t even make sense INSIDE my head. When she turned to me and said Oh Jean the first big crack appeared in the nothingness. I hadn’t realized I had been afraid, now I felt an immense relief. She would take care of things. Pain and relief;
it occurred to me I wasn’t dead at the same time that I realized I thought I might be.